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 How
I Know Chill Factor Is Going To Suck
By Mr. Pants
First of all, any trailer that comes out of the gate telling
us a something about each character and does it with such rousing
conviction that they must think we are going to respond, "A hijacker
and a cold storage truck driver?!? Now's THAT'S cRaZY!"
Second, you have the Simultaneous Buddy Film Yell. You know,
that fifteen second long hollering yell at the top of your lungs
and the vehicle you're in is hurtling, 1) over a cliff, 2) down
the highway at approximately 168 miles per hour 3) through a series
of explosions that always seem to juuuuust barely miss the vehicle,
4) under a hail of roughly 2 billion bullets, of which only 2 or
3 actually hit the vehicle.
Third, may Shane Black and Dick "Danger Island" Donner rot in Hell
for what they have wrought, for in the Chill Factor trailer,
we have this morsel of a line, "...remind me when we get out of
this to kick your *big explosion*". Oooh, someone hold my sides.
You see, actually, Cuba was telling his cohort Skeet, "...remind
me when we get out of this to kick your ass!" But you see, apparently
you can't say the word "ass" on television. But we are smart. We
know that he is going to say a naughty word. We can figure that
out, and we get a little moment of gratitude when we get the joke
that he can't say "ass", but we know what the explosion is implying.
Finally, the entire trailer / commercial ends with the rhetorical
(therefore funny) question, "ARE YOU CRAZY?!?" Of course he's crazy!
They just jumped off a bridge or a cliff (cue Simultaneous Buddy
Film Yell) in a river. In most bad buddy action film trailers, they
stuff in usually one of those...maybe two, but that's pushing it.
Chill Factor manages to cram in all four.
The only way I know that Chill Factor could suck even more is if
the trailer started like this instead:
NARRATOR: Miles beneath the planet's surface.... terrorists
have stolen the World's Deadliest Biological Weapon... and are holding
the world for ransom.... or else they will unleash a deadly outbreak...in
any city...anywhere.... in the world. This is Cuba. He's a cold
storage truck driver. He just picked up the wrong truck. This is
Skeet. He's just hijacked the wrong truck. But if they don't wind
up killing each other....the terrorists will.
CUBA & SKEET: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
Cue Song Two by Blur or "Thumpinandawhumpin" by Chubbychubba
or "I Feel Good" by James Brown if you want to use the
comic edge to promote the movie
Fast truck drives by.
Explosion.
Truck races by.
Terrorists shoot at fast-moving truck from a helicopter.
CUBA: If we get out of this, remind me to kick your...
BIG EXPLOSION
NARRATOR: Oscar Winner, Cuba Gooding, Jr. Skeet Ulrich. Chill Factor...A
film by...
CUBA: Are you cRAzY!
NARRATOR: Starts Friday!
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