Fer-Crys-Sakes!
Movies That Won't Make You Horny

By I. C. Dedpeeple

Y2K Bug be damned! Hollywood is proving to us that despite our fears of the collapse of technology at the dawn of the new millennium, we are not that far removed from our Dark Ages fore-fathers who agonized over the coming of the Evil One during the last fin-de-millennium.

Stigmata (9/10/99)
A sign of a truly devout Catholic is that they can bleed from the hands, feet, and side from mysterious wounds that match those of Jesus during his suffering on the cross. MGM seems to be suffering from some similarly slow and horrible death. Patricia Arquette stars as the stigmatic. Hey, that kind of sounds like an infomercial. It slices, it dices, it bleeds from every orifice! Is she subconsciously religious or in the possession of something truly evil? Yawn. Not even the addition of Gabriel Byrne and Jonathan Pryce are going to save this bleeder. MGM, let me introduce you to my good friend, Carolco.

Lost Souls (10/8/99)
Winona Ryder, who has finally decided to do another film, seems to be the only one who believes that Truth About Cats and Dogs' Ben Chaplin is destined to turn into Satan Incarnate. (I could've told you that. How about you all just show up at my house and hand over your 8 bucks now and save yourselves the agony?) This iteration of "the devil walks among us" tale is directed by Spielberg's cinematographer, Janusz Kaminski, and we all know how good those Cinematographer-turned-Directors are. Yes, Mr. Speed 2:Cruise Control, we are talking about you.

End of Days (11/24/99)
Capricorn One's Peter Hyams brings us our third hellish tale in which Satan (Gabriel Byrne, AGAIN) prowls New York in search of a bride. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the ex-cop who has to try and stop Satan. Of course he is. Hey, Kevin Pollak is in this one? Maybe he is reprising his role from The Seventh Sign. Somebody get the screenwriter on the phone for me. Names like Jericho Cane, Christine Bethlehem, and Evie Abel are no substitute for character development. By the way, here's a character name for you: Emma Nottagunnaseeit.

Whether the year 2000 marks the end of the world as we know it, the simultaneous crash of every Windows 95 computer on the face of the planet, or the birth of the anti-Christ in anticipation of the final battle, RTC isn't worried. We figure that Hell On Earth couldn't be THAT much different from Los Angeles, this zine is made entirely on Macintosh, and as you all know, we have already made our pro-simian agenda VERY clear. Apes rule!