Want To Buy A Monkey?
Cabin Boy Revisted

Old Dave or New Conan?

That's question #7 on the RTC employment application sheet. I know, it's a tough question. But it speaks volumes about the nature of the applicant applying for a staff position (starting at $55,000 a year with health benefits and a 401lk plan. Postions available now. Must own monkey and/or robot.)

The Dave from the mid-80's to the early 90's is vinatge stuff, but Dave's show is still real good..... for me to poop on! The New Conan has flashes of brilliance. Fortunately for you, in the dumbest movie that you've never seen, Late Night Meets The Late Show in the Chris Elliot (Get a Life) vehicle.

While Andy Richter has a more prominent role, Earl Hofert wins out as the Old Salt in Fishing Village. Every line is a gem. It makes me want to watch all the old episodes I still have on tape from when I was in high school. Letterman was a television pioneer in implementing the use of chimps and monkeys for comedic purposes. Zippy the Chimp skating around on the set... biting Sandra Bernhard; the Late Night Chimp Cam; Letterman almost getting his jugular vein ripped out of his throat by a crazed, lunatic monkey who lunges at Dave whenever he tries to pour it a glass of wine (those who know, know what I'm talking about). So, it made me feel a little warm when Letterman had a scene in Cabin Boy it revolved around, naturally, a monkey. So, in order to whet your appetite to run out to your corner video store and dive into the 99 cents Previously Viewed bin, RTC offers you a transcript of the best comic scene in any movie starring Brion James .

(All apologies to fans of Kiss Meets The Phantom of My Pants.)

Chris - You, you, old man. Look, I'm in desperate need of assistance.

Dave - Well, well, well. What's on your mind, little girl?

Chris - I realize that you are the product of lower class in-breeding but maybe you could help me.

Dave - Oh gosh, I certainly hope so.

Chris - I have been wandering this dreary village in hopes of finding the Queen Catherine. You wouldn't have any idea where she is docked, would you?

Dave - Oh, you know what you are...your ahhh..one of those fancy lads... oh boy, you're cute. Gosh. what a cute little outfit. Is it your little spring outfit? You couldn't be . You're so adorable. You know you remind me of my niece Sally. Lovely girl. She's a dietician. Hey..would you like to buy a monkey?

Chris - No I don't want to buy a monkey.

Dave - Are you sure?

Chris - No I'm on my way. Your family must be very proud of you.

Dave - Alright, we'll see you honey. Hey, hey, wait a minute Jennifer . I can show you to that ship of yours.

Chris - You will?

Dave - Right down this road. Right there.

Chris - Marvelous. Well, I should probably hurry, shoundn't I? They're going to start the banquet soon and I must tell you I'am famished.

Dave - Well why wouldn't you be. Big girls have big appetites, don't they? Listen do yourself a favor. Don't let them give you any of that flank steak bullshit. You know what I'm saying? Try the London broil.

Chris - Oh yeah?

Dave - Yeah.

Chris - That's a good tip.

Dave - Pamper yourself.

Chris - Well, I must tell you for a yellow-eyed gamey smelling low life, you really have a decent heart about you sir.I'm not going to touch you. I'm not going to shake your hand. I'm not going to get near you because of all that, but I am going to be on my way.

Dave - Okay, good for you.

Chris - Off I go.

Dave - Hey have a good trip, Susie. Think about me. Alright?

Chris - Alright.

Dave - Man oh man, do I hate those fancy lads.