Dearest Drew
An Open Letter To Drew Barrymore

Drew,

First off, nothing personal.

You know we love you. Would we have seen Never Been Kissed if it weren't for you? Would we have put you on the cover of every other People magazine in the last ten years if we didn't think that you had something going for you? Yes, you've turned your back on us before. A week later, you got divorced and all was forgiven. Until now.

Remember back to your Gertie days when Steven kept warning E.T.'s puppeteer about good touch/ bad touch? Well it seems somebody's gotten to your agent and given them the bad touch. What else could explain your championing Charlie's Angels to the big screen? It wasn't called "Girl Power!" back then, it was called "Jiggle TV". And no matter how steep of a postmodern slant you try to put on the thing, face it-it's going to end up with you in a bikini, Cameron Diaz in a hot tub, and Lucy Liu sliding through windows backwards. Besides, we already have a 90's Charlie's Angels. It's called Pamela Anderson's V.I.P. and we're not about to pay 8 bucks to see that either. (And don't think casting Bill Murray as Bosley is enough to fool us into theaters)

Now the word comes out that you want to re-make Barbarella. First of all, it is not a good movie. If you've got a sci-fi jones, might we suggest Logan's Run? At least, there was a message there. Hollywood is going to dumb down the activist tone of Barbarella and all we're going to be left with is you fighting Rose McGowan in a fur brasserie, Matrix-style. We're not saying you have to go back to playing straight woman to Adam Sandler. We just don't want to see you end up being Courtney Love's full-time au pair.

Your pal,

RTC