Mars Gets An Agent
Red Planet To See Green

MNKE/RBT NEWSWIRE – Move over, Sun. There's a new hottest planet in the solar system. In an unprecednted move, Mars has become the first planet to sign with a major talent firm. The pact has already received a windfall of offers, including Brian DePalma's Mission to Mars, Antony Hoffman's Red Planet (aka MARS), and James Cameron's dueling miniseries and IMAX projects. Lionel Hambone of the I.C.U.P. agency claims the time is ripe for Mars' step into the spotlight. "The only thing cinematic about the Earth is it blows up real good. Mars, on the other hand, has drama, character,and Matt Damon looks great driving a pathfinder on it." Mars was unavailable for comment, but issued this defensive release to the press.

"MARS is not selling out. MARS just wants to get paid what MARS deserves. Saturn gets a car named after it, Pluto gets that cute dog, and all I got is a stupid candy bar. Hey, how about that movie, Man On The Moon? Damn, that ain't even a planet, it's a moon, for crying out loud! Critics can say what they like. I know one thing – I ain't going out like Uranus."