Wilt Chamberlin: Second Stringer?
An RTC Attempt At An Obituary

(Editor's Note: We thought that it might be fun to get an opinion of Wilt from someone who didn't know anything about sports. Little did we realize that Shorty wouldn't even be able to spell his name correctly.)

The world was greatly saddened by the passing of Wilt Chamberlin, and for some reason the rest of the RTC office felt it would be a good idea to stick me with the task of coming up with a memorial. Considering that the extent of my sporting knowledge means that I can occasionally point out the correct equipment to use with each game, I knew that I was going to have to find another angle. And what better of an angle for a film zine to take than the second of the Hyperborean epics, Conan the Destroyer.

Even though Wilt Chamberlin plays second stringer to Arnold Schwarzenegger, he still gets to bodyguard the lovely pre-"Wonder Years" Olivia d'Abo. Now Wilt might not have any of the credibility of James Earl Jones; nor did he voice Darth Vader. And he certainly never appeared in a Stanley Kubrick film. Come to think of it, he doesn't even get to turn into a giant snake in his sole feature film appearance. But damn if he doesn't get to kick some major butt ­ including Schwarzenegger's ­ with a really cool mace. (A mace is a large iron club for those of you who spent your junior high years in the mall instead of playing with funny dice.)

Sure, I can't tell you what teams Wilt played for, or to how many championships he took them. But I miss him just the same, if only for adding a little brightness to the world of cult movies for bringing his character Bombaata to life along the lines of tried-and-true B-movie greats like Tracey "John Wayne was a fag" Walter and Grace "Can you believe I'm still making movies" Jones.

- Shorty