RTC Goes To The Movies... At Home
Inspired By True Life Events!
The Epic Adventure Of A Lifetime!
Longer Than Titanic And Twice As Unnecessary

By Fief

After detailed and careful analysis, I conclude that Made-For-TV- Movies may be broken down into four genres:

1. (And by far the most popular) Domestic Violence into Revenge (note the spawn of Lifetime, Television for Women);
2. The Implausible and Fantastic (Merlin, Y2K: The Movie, Leprechauns);
3. The Historical and Political (The Temptations, The Civil War, Roots);
4. The Religious (Mary: Mother of Jesus, Noah's Ark, Joan of Ark).

These themes considered, I've recently submitted a number of fantastic teleplays to the networks, the most promising of which I abstract for you below. I've skipped Category Number One, if for no other reason than the fact that what Danielle Steele writes is really just a parody of itself, and a parody of a parody might actually end up sounding serious.

2. The Underpants Gnomes Take Manhattan

This two-hour movie pilot will kick off Comedy Central's newest situation comedy, and the first in which a live-action comedy is spun off from a cartoon (South Park) format. How could Comedy Central do it, some have wondered. But most of us have simply asked ourselves, what's taken Comedy Central so long? Our friends the Underpants Gnomes come to life (Martin Short is expected to lead the cast, and rumors are flying about that the supporting roles will be dutifully undertaken by Paul Reubens and the really really gay one from Will & Grace) in a corporate quest to find out the answer to one of life's un-ending business queries, "If Phase 1 is to obtain underpants, and Phase 3 is profit, what really is Phase 2?" Nobody thought it could be done, but the creators of Wall Street and the production team behind NBC's Merlin and Leprechauns have teamed together and purchased the rights to the 'Gnomes' from South Park co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone to create this nutty, quirky, culture-clash in which the Underpants Gnomes find themselves in such surprising places as around a Price Waterhouse Corporate Conference Room, and in a Central Park West townhouse. The bottom line readers? The Underpants Gnomes Take Manhattan is the best of Alf with the corporate and stylish splashes of Oliver Stone and Aaron Spelling. Above all, it's pure genius, and Comedy Central has found itself a gem.

3. The Four Nights of The Four Days War

This little known war between Norway and Prussia in the mid-19th Century is finally having its day in the sun. The PBS documentary, sincerely and soberly narrated by Joseph Campbell, re-enacts the entire war from start to finish, and will actually boot PBS's regular broadcasts in order to be shown in four installments on PBS during the February sweeps week, which is also the prime period for the bi-ennial PBS Auction. While the causes, battles and results of this war have eluded even the most well-read European historians, Joseph Campbell has the answer, and finally we will too: the two otherwise allied countries fought over who was to own the intellectual property rights to the characters we now know as those comprising Nordic Mythology: Odin, Loki, Thor, and the rest. And while Prussia's land army may have been able to take Paris thirty years down the road, its navy was no match for the Arctic on-slaught on the Norwegians. Look for appearances by Brigitte Nielsen (Rocky IV) and Rip Torn (Mask, The Larry Sanders Show) as descendents of lost soldiers.

4. Horsewomen of the Apocalypse

Capitalizing on the potential success of the new film version of the Legend of Sleepy Hollow and on the 35-54 year old female demographic that "Judging Amy" and "Providence" have captured, this spell-binding religious and thought-provoking thriller will make even the most die hard My-Little-Pony loving seven year old lass fear for her life at the sight of horses. Starring Rue McClanahan, Betty White, Bea Arthur and Vicki Lawrence (alas, Estelle Getty is under contract with Miramax and could not get a release signed), Apocalypse reunites three of the four "Golden Girls" (possibly for the last time) and the lead of the popular Carol Burnett spin-off, "Mama's Family", in the title roles. Ms. White is unquestionably spectacular in the role of Pestilence, while Ms. Arthur's performance as War has nuance, depth and complexity enough to rival the best of Maude. Lawrence, of whom we've seen little since her days of hosting Win, Lose or Draw faded away like an old soldier, is not only brilliantly cast as Disease, but is simply nothing short of inspiring riding on her decrepit three-legged scab- pocked horse throughout Jerusalem. Topping off the already perfect cast is Gary Coleman as the the Apostle John (author of the Book of Revelation), who brings this tour-de-force together as the narrator, a semi-musical role besting that of the Narrator in Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. This thriller will surely catapult into the hearts of Catholics, Protestants and the various and sundry 'other' religions of America, not to mention the hearts of the ballot-voters of next September's Emmy Awards.