We Watch Bad Movies So You Don't Have To
Double Jeopardy

It's probably not a healthy critical state of mind to go into a movie wondering what made it so successful. But, after Double Jeopardy(D.J.) took the top spot at the box office for nearly a month, I had to see how low we as a society of tastemakers have fallen.

MOVIES THAT I THOUGHT OF WHILE WATCHING DOUBLE JEOPARDY:Jagged Edge, Sleeping With The Enemy, Dead Calm, Suspect, The Fugitive.

MOVIES THAT I NEVER THOUGHT OF WHILE WATCHING DOUBLE JEOPARDY: Double Indemnity.

# OF TECH AWARDS D.J. WON AT THE 2000 OSCARS: Zero.

# OF TECH AWARDS D.J. WOULD WIN IF THERE WAS A TIME PORTAL BACK TO THE "MURDER, SHE WROTE" PRODUCTION OFFICES ON CHRISTMAS EVE AND EVERYONE WAS CHUGGING EGG NOG, SMOKING POT IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET AND GIVING OUT PHONY AWARDS TO EACH OTHER: One.

INCENTIVE TO SIT THROUGH THE FIRST REEL IF YOU'RE A PERVERT:Ashley Judd is naked at the 6 minute mark.

INCENTIVE TO SIT THROUGH THE SECOND REEL IF YOU'RE A MASOCHIST: Ashley's young son, Matty, sings "the A-B-C song". In its' entirety.

SURE-FIRE FASHION TREND:Attention, Gap marketers! Prison Blues are on their way IN.

LEAST FAVORITE STOCK CHARACTER IN D.J.: The cocky prosecuting attorney who uses sarcasm as her trump card.

# OF COINCIDENCES IN STORY THAT WOULD TOPPLE THE FLIMSY HOUSE-OF-TOOTHPICKS PLOT IF ANY ONE OF THEM HAD NOT HAPPENED. Six.

SIGN THAT THE CASTING DIRECTOR HAD SOME PERSONAL ISSUES AND HADN'T BEEN TO WORK IN WEEKS: Tommy Lee Jones as the stubborn, hard- nosed prick.

AND FINALLY, IF I AM EVER ASKED TO GIVE A SPEECH AT TOMMY LEE JONES' FUNERAL, I WILL DO MY DAMNEDEST TO WORK THIS LINE FROM D.J. INTO MY EULOGY: Tommy:(as he handcuffs Ashley to a car) "Don't go anywhere." -MNKE.