The Walls Have Ears
Things That Would Be True If We Had A Legal Department

After being awarded the Herculean task of bringing Stanley Kubrick's "A.I." to the big screen, Steven Spielberg assured everyone that he would guarantee staying true to Kubrick's vision by having Kubrick's corpse propped up on the set every day.

After American Express erected a billboard of Lili Taylor on Sunset Boulevard, Hollywood police notified The Sixth Day producers that they could not erect a billboard with co-star Michael Rapaport's face on it within 100 yards of the Taylor billboard.

A famous urban legend has been squashed with the revelation that the little "dead" boy standing behind the curtain in a freeze-frame of Three Men and a Baby was actually a very young, unemployed Haley Joel Osment looking for acting tips from Steve Guttenberg.

Documentarian Ken Burns, who never met 100 hours of Public Broadcating airtime he didn't like, has announced his next miniseries, 2001. Burns will chronicle the year's events by recording non-stop from a video camera duct-taped to the top of his house. This will serve as a chance for Burns to make up for his incomplete docu-effort, 1976, which ended with Bicentennial looters stealing his camera. PBS announced that it will air all 365 days of footage from '2001' sometime in early 2002.

Accepting lthe Hollywood truism that lightning never strikes twice, Sam Mendes and Alan Ball, Oscar-winning director and writer of American Beauty, have announced they will collaborate once again on their next project-a remake of American Beauty.

Angelina Jolie's next project will be the suspiciously titled, "SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE WITH HER BROTHER".